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I had a friend not too long ago get into a deeper conversation with me about marriage. She was struggling with some emotions about where her relationship was with her husband and asked me, “what’s your secret?” That question took me by surprise and actually took me some time to respond. Secret? We didn’t have a secret.
Marriage isn’t aways love, hearts, hugs and kisses. It’s HARD. Just like motherhood. It’s beautiful, it’s rewarding and it’s so incredibly amazing, but it’s also exhausting, difficult, and challenging. Marriage is about growing, and acceptance and patience, and, and, and…
I sat briefly before answering her question. Luckily, Tyler and I had been friends years previous to even being in a relationship. We only were officially “together” for a year before we decided to get married, planned our wedding in two weeks with only 25 people there on a very, very, rainy Sunday afternoon. It wasn’t rushed because of anything specific, other than we just wanted that bond between each other. I feel that those years of friendship prior to everything else was what really created this amazing and unbreakable tie between the two of us. Being a friend to the one you love is so incredibly important because you not only admire them as your spouse, but you look up to them as a companion and someone to have fun with.
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Throughout the years I’ve had trouble opening my heart to Tyler. Not because of anything within our relationship, but my own being. Expressing feelings face to face seems awkward to me, as it does him. So it’s normally not an issue. We know how we feel about each other and how important one is to the other, buuuut then I turn into a crazy female and need reassurance. Sounds counterintuitive, right? I’ll have an awkward stage every now and then where I’ll need him to tell me I’m doing a great job, just to feel like he’s supportive. Well, ladies… let me tell you the easiest way to get what you want out of your husband. JUST. TELL. THEM. Don’t stomp around the house being upset that he hasn’t kissed you today or hugged you or has yet to take out the trash. Just walk up to him, kiss him on the cheek (there the kiss is out of the way) and ask him, “can you please take out the trash honey? It smells.” He may not get up right away to do it, but it will get done. Men are on one track minds, if you need a hug, ask. If you need them to tell you you’re doing a great job at home and with the kids, sit down and talk to him and tell him just that. It’s not like you’re asking for a million dollars or a new Prada bag. It’s simple. They don’t realize that kind of stuff. Plus, no matter how many kids you have, if you’re a stay at home mom or a very busy working mother, you NEED to hear that you’re a good mother and that you are doing a great job. It builds confidence and sometimes as mother, you need just that.
One of the most important things I try to focus on in our marriage is not forgetting about Tyler’s needs. Men need to feel loved too. Believe me. Encourage your husband, support him, but most of all truly and unconditionally LOVE him. Sometimes I like to snag a card from a trip to Target and write something nice in it for him. Then surprise him by mailing it to his office or leaving it on the dash of the car so he see’s it first thing in the morning. It’s the little things that count. A kiss and a “I missed you today,” or a hug and a “you look handsome.” Confidence in every relationship is key. Confidence and trust.
I’m no expert on marriage or relationships, but I do know that it’s growing experience for two people that can sometimes be a difficult thing to endure. When you know that person is for you, there’s no other feeling in the world and nothing that can make you turn and look away. You will fight for that love and if given the same respect back you will NEVER give it up. Marriage is a one lane highway, with no turning back. You’re in it for the long run and it goes forever. You’re stuck with each other along that bumpy road with nothing but open space in between and it’s your job as a couple to fulfill those spaces with love, romance, tranquility and over all… kindness. Be grateful for one another and don’t ever jeopardize what you have at that moment. When someone loves you for you, and thinks of you as the most beautiful person in the world…. why would you ever want to ruin such a thing?
